July 8, 2021 | Malaysian Philosophy Society

“Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures.”
Seneca

“A friend is, as it were, a second self.”
Cicero

In our daily lives, it would be unthinkable to most people to not have friends. Friendship is an essential part of our lives – the memories we shared with our childhood friends, the joy of reminiscing about our school days with a long-time friend, or even the hardships we go through with our work colleagues. All these are experiences that make life worth living. Furthermore, friends are there when we need help. They help us through rough patches, just as we do the same for them. We share new hobbies, laugh at the same movies and enrich each other’s lives.

So, what does philosophy say about friendship? As it happens, plenty. While it is not the most prevalent topic, friendship has its place especially among ancient philosophers.

Aristotle and Seneca on Friendship – Which Friendships Do You Have?

In Book VIII of the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle categorised friendship into three sorts: friendship of pleasure, that of utility and virtue. Of these three, Aristotle hailed the friendship of virtue as the friendship that is most desired – one that is essential to achieving Eudaimonia (a good life).

Type of Friendship #1: Friendship of Pleasure

Friendship of pleasure is understood as a type of friendship formed due to the pleasure you gain from being with someone. By pleasure, it does not mean the pleasure of the flesh. For instance, you make friends with someone whom you met at a party where you guys had a smashing time together.

Type of Friendship #2: Friendship of Utility

Next is Friendship of utility. Here we are referring to something more material – we are friends with someone because of the utility we gain in a relationship. For instance, we become friends with someone who is generous with his or her wealth, or someone who has helped us in the past. We can go even further and categorise this friendship as a quid pro quo relationship, stating that this friendship is only sustained by the material trade between two parties.

Type of Friendship #3: Friendship of Virtue

Yet, to Aristotle, the strongest bond resides within the friendship of virtue.

Aristotle believes this type of friendship would allow both parties to grow, and eventually achieve eudaimonia.

In friendship of virtue, a friendship is built upon the values of both parties. This is not to say that friendships of pleasure and utility are unworthy, but they are formed on the basis of things we can gain from the other party.

In virtuous friendship, two parties become friends due to the virtuous characteristics they have in common, such as being kind, courageous, morally upright or wise. They may share common values on topics of importance, such as politics, faith or ethics. While they might not always share the same viewpoints, they do not try to win one another over. Instead, they discuss their ideas, striving to enhance understanding of each other. They trust each other with our deepest secrets, and expose themselves fully to each other.

Neither of either parties is superior over the other – they are of equal standing, striving to build a good life with each other in mind. In short, in a virtuous friendship, two parties try to bring the best out of each other.

“The wise man, I say, self-sufficient though he be, nevertheless desires friends if only for the purpose of practising friendship, in order that his noble qualities may not lie dormant”
Seneca, Letters to Lucillius, Letter 35

Expanding further by injecting a Stoic flavour to this essay, Seneca’s views are similar to that of Aristotle. A wise stoic is self-sufficient on his own, nevertheless he seeks out friendships, as that is a basic human craving. However, he does not seek friendship solely for his own sake. Rather, he seeks out friendship so that he can practice his virtues, and “that he may have someone by whose sick-bed he himself may sit, someone a prisoner in hostile hands whom he himself may set free. He who regards himself only, and enters upon friendships for this reason, reckons wrongly.” (Letters 9)

How to be a good friend to someone?

1. Re-examine your existing friendships.

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Firstly, we should start by re-examining all our existing friendships.

Examine the positions of both you and your friend – are the both of you equal in this relationship? What is the key element that holds this friendship together? Is it due to benefits (work colleagues) or pleasure (the other person is a cool dude)? Will that friendship be over if the element of benefit or pleasure is taken away from the equation? Is there a possibility to grow into something more? How would you define “something more”? Is it based on intimacy? Common hobbies? Or as Aristotle put it, virtue?

2. Self-improvement

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Next, improve yourself.

If our goal is to improve the quality of our friendship, the first place to start would be ourselves. Improving ourselves should be the main priority in the quest for a true friendship – so that we are able to offer more to our friends, and be the sort of person that one might wish to know in order to better themselves.

“Try to perfect yourself, if for no other reason, in order that you may learn how to love.”
Seneca, Letter to Lucilius, Letter 35

3. Examine Your Role in Each Friendships

Finally, examine our role in each of our friendships.

What is our role in a friendship of utility? What sort of benefits are we giving to our friends? If it is of pleasure, what sort of pleasures are we providing? Do we share some sort of common interest with them, so that we are fun to hang out with? Maybe we are funny, and people come to us for laughs and to feel comfortable? Finally, do we have any friendships of virtue? Are we the sort of person that might be viewed as a person of virtue, that we might inspire our friends to do great things, and they are friends with us because they think that we are friends worthy to be, just because we are ourselves?

What Types of Friendships Should You Choose or Keep?

So, what happens after we gain knowledge of the types of friendships and relook into our existing friendships?

Should we eschew friendships of pleasure and utility now?

No, instead, we should aim to grow to be more reliant on ourselves, and focus on the aspect of give rather than take. “But,” I hear you say, “shouldn’t we expect our friends to be of a higher standard as well? If we are so focused on giving, won’t we be tired?”

Viewed from a Stoic lens, this sentence itself comes close to being absurd. As a stoic, we are self-sufficient – we do not require friends to make us happy. Friends are there so we can practice our virtuous qualities, and that we may learn to give more than take.

In short, as much as we want friends who accept us for who we are, and at the same time encourage us to be better as a person, we should also work towards strengthening the different types of friendships we have, thereby creating more meaningful connections in this very disconnected world.

Everyone is constantly finding the key to a truer friendship, whatever that means. This article is meant to introduce you, the reader, to some of the ideas of friendship in philosophy and to illustrate one point in philosophy:

Nothing is too small a matter for philosophy. Good luck in your journey of seeking for and building meaningful friendships.

Bio of the Philosopher

Nick Khaw is currently an economist in the Research team at Khazanah Nasional, Malaysia’s sovereign wealth fund. He has previously served as an economist in Malaysia’s Economic Planning Unit, where he was directly involved in several national development projects. He also writes a monthly column for The Edge Malaysia. Nick’s research interests and intellectual passions are in the fields of Economic Development and Political Economy, particularly related to the long term persistence of historical factors and cultural factors on economic and public policy outcomes today.

What got you into the field of Philosophy?

I’d split this into a more “formal” and “informal” introduction into Philosophy. Formally, I took a political philosophy course in my senior year of university which taught me so much about different types of conceptions of justice. Informally, I think, like everyone else really, I’ve always had questions or instinctive reactions to questions of everyday life that I’d wondered about and tried to answer.

How has Philosophy has helped you in your everyday life?

It’s helpful – as you think of the questions you have to ask everyday, whether personal or professional – to have a framework or several frameworks in which to try and answer them. Of course, some questions are strictly technical. For example, “How does a flute make the sounds that it does?” But there are other questions which can’t really be answered technically. For instance, “If there were three people in the room, how would I choose who to give the flute to?” Do you give it to the best player? How about the one who needs it most to make money for their family? Or maybe just give it at random?

Why do you think Philosophy is so uncelebrated in today’s society?

I’d say more that it’s uncelebrated only because most people, by definition, have to be personal philosophers to deal with everyday life, only that they may not think it counts as philosophy. For instance, choosing whether or not to, say, postpone a given spending to the future requires some philosophy on how you view the future. So, I’d say that, in the day-to-day issues where there is no one right answer (there can be several wrong answers), we do turn to philosophy to try and justify our choices.

Do you think (honestly speaking) that philosophy has any real value in the world of employment?

Yes! As above, in situations where there isn’t a right answer – happens all the time at work – we need a way to frame how we think about making a given choice. And this isn’t as simple as a personal preference between, say, ice cream flavours (vanilla for me), but for a question like, “Which job should I pick? The one that pays me more or the one that is better for my long-term career prospects”

There’s philosophy in everything, so be on the lookout. And you don’t have to read the classical texts (which can be very dry with anachronistic language) to wet your toes. Watch movies – start with Watchmen or watch TV series like Game of Thrones. Philosophy isn’t and shouldn’t be about folks in ivory towers pontificating about the nature of life; it’s something innate in all of us as we make decisions everyday in our lives.