“Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures.”
Seneca
“A friend is, as it were, a second self.”
Cicero
In our daily lives, it would be unthinkable to most people to not have friends. Friendship is an essential part of our lives – the memories we shared with our childhood friends, the joy of reminiscing about our school days with a long-time friend, or even the hardships we go through with our work colleagues. All these are experiences that make life worth living. Furthermore, friends are there when we need help. They help us through rough patches, just as we do the same for them. We share new hobbies, laugh at the same movies and enrich each other’s lives.
So, what does philosophy say about friendship? As it happens, plenty. While it is not the most prevalent topic, friendship has its place especially among ancient philosophers.
Aristotle and Seneca on Friendship – Which Friendships Do You Have?
In Book VIII of the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle categorised friendship into three sorts: friendship of pleasure, that of utility and virtue. Of these three, Aristotle hailed the friendship of virtue as the friendship that is most desired – one that is essential to achieving Eudaimonia (a good life).
Type of Friendship #1: Friendship of Pleasure
Friendship of pleasure is understood as a type of friendship formed due to the pleasure you gain from being with someone. By pleasure, it does not mean the pleasure of the flesh. For instance, you make friends with someone whom you met at a party where you guys had a smashing time together.
Type of Friendship #2: Friendship of Utility
Next is Friendship of utility. Here we are referring to something more material – we are friends with someone because of the utility we gain in a relationship. For instance, we become friends with someone who is generous with his or her wealth, or someone who has helped us in the past. We can go even further and categorise this friendship as a quid pro quo relationship, stating that this friendship is only sustained by the material trade between two parties.
Type of Friendship #3: Friendship of Virtue
Yet, to Aristotle, the strongest bond resides within the friendship of virtue.
Aristotle believes this type of friendship would allow both parties to grow, and eventually achieve eudaimonia.
In friendship of virtue, a friendship is built upon the values of both parties. This is not to say that friendships of pleasure and utility are unworthy, but they are formed on the basis of things we can gain from the other party.
In virtuous friendship, two parties become friends due to the virtuous characteristics they have in common, such as being kind, courageous, morally upright or wise. They may share common values on topics of importance, such as politics, faith or ethics. While they might not always share the same viewpoints, they do not try to win one another over. Instead, they discuss their ideas, striving to enhance understanding of each other. They trust each other with our deepest secrets, and expose themselves fully to each other.
Neither of either parties is superior over the other – they are of equal standing, striving to build a good life with each other in mind. In short, in a virtuous friendship, two parties try to bring the best out of each other.
“The wise man, I say, self-sufficient though he be, nevertheless desires friends if only for the purpose of practising friendship, in order that his noble qualities may not lie dormant”
Seneca, Letters to Lucillius, Letter 35
Expanding further by injecting a Stoic flavour to this essay, Seneca’s views are similar to that of Aristotle. A wise stoic is self-sufficient on his own, nevertheless he seeks out friendships, as that is a basic human craving. However, he does not seek friendship solely for his own sake. Rather, he seeks out friendship so that he can practice his virtues, and “that he may have someone by whose sick-bed he himself may sit, someone a prisoner in hostile hands whom he himself may set free. He who regards himself only, and enters upon friendships for this reason, reckons wrongly.” (Letters 9)
How to be a good friend to someone?
1. Re-examine your existing friendships.
Firstly, we should start by re-examining all our existing friendships.
Examine the positions of both you and your friend – are the both of you equal in this relationship? What is the key element that holds this friendship together? Is it due to benefits (work colleagues) or pleasure (the other person is a cool dude)? Will that friendship be over if the element of benefit or pleasure is taken away from the equation? Is there a possibility to grow into something more? How would you define “something more”? Is it based on intimacy? Common hobbies? Or as Aristotle put it, virtue?
2. Self-improvement
Next, improve yourself.
If our goal is to improve the quality of our friendship, the first place to start would be ourselves. Improving ourselves should be the main priority in the quest for a true friendship – so that we are able to offer more to our friends, and be the sort of person that one might wish to know in order to better themselves.
“Try to perfect yourself, if for no other reason, in order that you may learn how to love.”
Seneca, Letter to Lucilius, Letter 35
3. Examine Your Role in Each Friendships
Finally, examine our role in each of our friendships.
What is our role in a friendship of utility? What sort of benefits are we giving to our friends? If it is of pleasure, what sort of pleasures are we providing? Do we share some sort of common interest with them, so that we are fun to hang out with? Maybe we are funny, and people come to us for laughs and to feel comfortable? Finally, do we have any friendships of virtue? Are we the sort of person that might be viewed as a person of virtue, that we might inspire our friends to do great things, and they are friends with us because they think that we are friends worthy to be, just because we are ourselves?
What Types of Friendships Should You Choose or Keep?
So, what happens after we gain knowledge of the types of friendships and relook into our existing friendships?
Should we eschew friendships of pleasure and utility now?
No, instead, we should aim to grow to be more reliant on ourselves, and focus on the aspect of give rather than take. “But,” I hear you say, “shouldn’t we expect our friends to be of a higher standard as well? If we are so focused on giving, won’t we be tired?”
Viewed from a Stoic lens, this sentence itself comes close to being absurd. As a stoic, we are self-sufficient – we do not require friends to make us happy. Friends are there so we can practice our virtuous qualities, and that we may learn to give more than take.
In short, as much as we want friends who accept us for who we are, and at the same time encourage us to be better as a person, we should also work towards strengthening the different types of friendships we have, thereby creating more meaningful connections in this very disconnected world.
Everyone is constantly finding the key to a truer friendship, whatever that means. This article is meant to introduce you, the reader, to some of the ideas of friendship in philosophy and to illustrate one point in philosophy:
Nothing is too small a matter for philosophy. Good luck in your journey of seeking for and building meaningful friendships.